You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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