You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
