turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
