My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
