I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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