careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
