u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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