Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize