She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
