So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
