I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
