i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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