Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
