Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
