You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
