dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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