my vag is so smooth its legendary
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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