I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
