he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
