You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize
