Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
