the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize