I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
