Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
