it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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