last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
