why didn't you poke me back
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
