where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
