theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize