it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
