she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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