I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
