2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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