I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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