My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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