seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
