Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
