We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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