My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
