How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
