I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
