do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
