Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
