he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
