He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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