thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
