Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize