walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize