wakey wakey hands off snakey
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
