I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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