Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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