there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
