I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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