capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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