go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
