the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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