grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
